Bait by Christian Vargas
Will Fischenich, "Fish" they would call me, poor little fish didn't know he had it coming. Not a bad man, just never fully got his life together. Routine job as a bank teller living in a lone apartment in Glendale. Relationship status: single man in his 40s, by choice due to internal issues settling down.
My life changed that Friday around noon though, as she walked in. Sienna Moore, seductive, fierce, and tempting to look at to the common eye. I had the pleasure to attending her as she asked for a simple cash withdrawal, but with much simplicity in the job being done, words were exchanged as were gazes that I felt had much deeper meaning. A connection was made with every smile she gave me, every clever sentence that left my mouth. By the end of our conversation, she handed me a small piece of paper with her home address and a time that read 8 o'clock that she jotted down with her ring-worn hand. A wink and grin goodbye, and my eyes walked her out.
That day all I could think about was her. Though at first I discarded her as an alluring married woman that gave herself out too easliy, there was something about that invitation that made me feel good about myself, confidence rose within me and I had decided to pull through with a visit later that night. As I walked the dark, empty streets to her house not too far from my flat I continued asking myself what I was doing, a welcome sign to adultery on her side of the coin. I hadn't ever done something like this, and it didn't seem to bother me. But the ambiguity of it all, I liked it.
My cruel fate layed on the other side of that door as I arrived to her small home, then the doorbell. She opens the door and invites me in, sits me down in the living room on her cold black leather sofa. Mrs. Moore tells me how silly she felt doing such a thing, but starts talking about her problems with her husband and how he's an alcoholic that abuses of her, how intruiging I was to her, and how she loves my nickname. Ironically enough she brings out a wine bottle and we drink as we continue to talk about our everyday lives. Kissing and touching begin, then more intimate behaviors. In a corrupt blink of an eye the tables turn as the door knob from the entrance door turns and the husband walks in, shouts and curses angrily at what he witnesses, pulls out his firearm and shoots. Two bodies hit the floor. Sienna Moore, both the luring bait and the unreliable hook, drops her gun after cleaning off the finger prints as she walks away from the scene. Never alone, but always on her own. As for the poor fish, the curiousity of experiencing something new, dangerous but alas captivating, led to my morbid end.
Intriguing short film noir story. I like how you implemented the basic elements of film noir. You have the protagonist who seems to live like a low life loner who meets the femme fatale, a tough-sweet seductive looking lady. Also, I liked how you described the scenery in few of your sentences. It gave your story a dark tone. The interesting part was the twist at the end. My first thought was that the two bodies that fell were Sienna and Will, but no, it was the husband and Will. She had planned this plot all along. She had played the protagonist like a pawn in a chess game, just to make it look like a love triangle gone bad, except she is able to walk away from this unhurt. For a short story, it was pretty detailed. Good one.
ReplyDeleteThank you Philip I'm glad you liked it. I was trying to make it have as much elements of film noir as I could, having the right dark feel to it while not overdoing it. I knew it was supposed to be short so I had limited sentences to compose the story, and to truly seal the deal I knew the ending had to be clever and tragic. Sienna turned out greater than I had anticipated as I was typing it which is good, I feel she fits the femme-fatale role prettty well. Thanks I didnt wanna make it too long because it would lose its touch and so I kept in mind to have the elements necessary to have that noir-feel and just cut to the chase
DeleteWow very interesting short noir story i can so see my self reading on if this was a novel i like how you made the femme fatale meet the protagonist at his job lingering him in to her perfect trap knowing he would stop by to see what was the point of her giving out her address even though she was married he still had that doubt to going over her house. i love how you describe the scenery of them on the cold black leather sofa just sets the mood of something cruel is going to happen. i did too though it was Sienna and will but it was the husband and will she had it plan she just had to find a older man that was not too good looking which she did too committed the crime.. btw Great Story i enjoy it!!
ReplyDeleteExtremely well done short story! It pulled me in quick. I was intrigued by "Fish". He came across well, even in such a short amount of time. It didn't end as I had expected, and I can say that the noir style was well captured. Once again, great job!
ReplyDeleteGreat story!! I love the amount of detail you have with everything...down to her "ring worm hand". I didnt really realize that the story foreshandowed the ending, "poor little fish didnt know he had it coming". Fish was a good nickname and it was very clever how you used the nickname like in the sentence " both the luring bait and the unreliable hook" you definetly used/chose the nickname wisely. Again great story, it definetly grabbed my attention.
ReplyDeleteGreat short noir story Christian, as I was reading it I was able to picture it. I liked how you introduced the characters and described it all in a few paragraphs. Fish was like Walter from the story we read, and Sienna was like Phyllis. The way they meet, and how "Fish" without knowing her well accepts to go see her. I like the way you ended it, you kept it short, simple, but with details. Great job, I like your short noir story.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading Eloisa. It took me some time to fully figure out where I was trying to go with the story, but once I got the film noir feel to it and figured my characters out, it just flowed on its own. I'm glad you were able to picture it, I don't consider myself much of a good storyteller so knowing that I was able to illustrate it in that sense is nice. You're right, I took inspiration from the two characters thinking that the way Walter and Phyllis are is more or less how the protagonist and femme fatale should be.
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